


hold back the river (let me look in your eyes)

by Vxier



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Disappearance, Established Relationship, Five Stages of Grief, Gangs, Going missing, Hallucinations, Injury Recovery, Lots of Crying, Lots of denial, M/M, Nurse!Seonghwa, Nurse!Wooyoung, Nurse!Yeosang, Nurse!Yunho, Police!Jongho, Police!Mingi, Police!San, Sleep Deprivation, attempt at angst?, detective!Hongjoong, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:21:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24128071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vxier/pseuds/Vxier
Summary: The blur in Seonghwa’s vision cleared up and before the male could do anything, he was met with the end of a gun barrel pointed right between his eyes.Everything in him stilled– his hands, his blood, his breath. Not because of the gun right in his face, but because of the person behind it.“No. No no no, you’re not real.”orKim Hongjoong is a young detective who went missing 4 years ago, leaving his boyfriend Seonghwa a broken grieving mess while everyone tries to move on. He's dead anyways.So who was in their living room, pointing a gun at the nurse with blood stains growing across his shirt?Please read the WARNINGS in the notes!
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 16
Kudos: 180





	hold back the river (let me look in your eyes)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is an attempt at angst cause I wanted to get out of my comfort zone for a bit :D 
> 
> WARNINGS: Blood, Injury, Description of stitching/needles.  
> If you're okay with this, then I hope you'll enjoy!
> 
> p.s. I haven't slept in 36 hours so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes! I'll come back to check this later :)

Quiet nights never brought anything good with them.

It was half past one in the morning. An uneasy wind blew through the ER and Seonghwa had been crouched down, taking stock of the medicine bottles when the nurse shifted his eyes to the entrance to shoot it a cold stare. The night had been peaceful, too peaceful to be exact– aside from the kid who entered just before midnight, bone jutted out in an alarming angle, nothing particularly alarming had broken the static silence in the ER.

Yet.

When the hour hand struck two, a switch was flipped. The distant cry of a siren growing louder first caught his attention before all the phones went off simultaneously. Nurses and doctors alike only had half a second to look at each other before scrambling to their positions. The ambulance never stopped wailing upon arrival as the paramedics and the outside team transferred the patients into the ward with lightning speed.

A flurry of reds, blues, whites flooded into the ER– not just from the lights spinning on the vehicles, but also the bags of blood being brought out to replace the pools of red staining the white sheets. Some of the patients were covered in horrific bruises of purple and blue while others teetered the line between consciousness as everyone moved in unspoken coordination.

Seonghwa counted one, two, five, seven men with varying amounts of blood soaking their tattered clothes. The nurse grabbed hold of one side of a bed as it passed and a quick scan of the man told him there were two gunshot wounds to the left shoulder. 

“Gunfight. 3 in critical condition, none dead.” Yeosang reported, calm and steady. In the corner of his eye, Seonghwa swore he saw the younger nurse open his mouth, only to pause and close it again.

“What is it?” he asked upon entering one of the rooms, Seonghwa pulled the curtain close behind him and got to work; Yeosang pursed his lips and shook it off with a topic change and Seonghwa didn’t push further. It’s not like they had time to chat either.

Yeosang grunted as he held the patient down to take his stats. For someone so injured, the man was resisting an awful lot. Seonghwa ignored the man’s barks to let him go with a brief warning before removing the first bullet, dropping it into the metal pan with a clang.

“It was that damn snitch!” another cry as the second bullet was wrenched out. The piece of metal was dripping in so much red Seonghwa wondered how the man could still lash out with such vigour. “I’ll wrangle his- his little neck when...when I see...him..” 

The words began to slur into incoherent babbles and Seonghwa directed a raised eyebrow at the blonde nurse. 

“Just a little something to calm him down.” Yeosang grinned cooly, passing the needle and thread for the elder to begin stitching. The two always worked like this– silent, crisp and clear. Where Yeosang’s hands dabbed at the blood, cleaning the area surrounding the two wounds, Seonghwa had begun the first stitch.

“San was there.” Yeosang said in a hushed tone despite the patient obviously too high on cloud nine to eavesdrop, “Said it was gang related.”

A twitch of Seonghwa’s eyebrow betrayed his calm demeanor as the elder hummed, urging the other to go on.

“He said the men were confirmed to be part of  _ that _ gang.” The emphasis felt like a punch to the gut. It was unspoken to never speak of their name, yet the lack of one didn’t dull the effect it had on Seonghwa’s ears. Before it could spiral, the thought was pushed back to the furthest corners of Seonghwa’s mind in a reflex. 

“We should clean him up.” was what Seonghwa meant to say but Yeosang had beaten him to it, handing a clean damp towel. Just as the towel touched the patient’s skin, the elder froze at the sight of something nestled in the array of tattoos snaking up the man’s arm. Noticing the abrupt change, Yeosang eyed the nurse for a second and followed Seonghwa’s gaze, inhaling sharply.

Seonghwa knew the symbol all too well. He’d seen it plastered on the board in his bedroom where Hongjoong used to pin up his leads and ideas, linked together with red string like in the movies. He’d seen it on the news, next to Hongjoong’s face as they told of a brilliant young detective gone missing. And he'd seen it in his nightmares of men sporting that tattoo on their bodies dragging his boyfriend further and further into the void.

The gang no one dared to investigate, that is, until Hongjoong came along. They were a notorious group with enough connections to buy those smart enough to pick their side and shush those foolish enough to refuse. Seonghwa had watched the detective work day and night for the tiniest of leads. How he followed the crumbs to the witch’s house to hopefully put an end to it all, only to never return.

A frown made its way to the Yeosang’s face when he noticed Seonghwa’s blank expression. 

It was the same distant look he had two months after Hongjoong had been declared missing, before Seonghwa started taking on extra shifts later into the night. Yeosang wasn’t the only one to notice a change in his behaviour. Wooyoung and Yunho worried about him too– Seonghwa was once their lighthouse, guiding the younger nurses as a mentor and friend, but his brilliant light had turned into a candle flame, slowly dimming with each drip of wax. 

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

_ “I just need the pay. Rent’s not cheap when you pay alone.”  _ Seonghwa would say when asked, ruffling their hair with a polite smile. The nurse meant to convey it as a joke, yet the fall in his tone always betrayed him.

Seonghwa couldn’t tell them what he truly meant was that he wanted to avoid being alone in their apartment because he couldn't stand laying in a bed where the pillows smelled like Hongjoong, yet was frustrated at the way it began to fade throughout the years. That Seonghwa loathed every tick of the clock in their living room because each sound was a second away from the last time he saw Hongjoong smile at him before leaving out the door.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

“Hyung.”

It took Yeosang three calls before Seonghwa blinked back to the present, ”Hmm?”

“I can take over the clean up. Why don’t you go help Yunho with the report?” The blonde nurse took hold of the dirtied towel and nudged his hyung away, flashing a soft smile that pushed a blooming shame deeper into Seonghwa’s throat. 

Seonghwa didn’t need to be pitied. He was a nurse who needed to be professional– there was no space for personal issues in the ER, not when so many lives were at stake.

“Yeosang-”

“Go. I got this.” the younger held a firm look that meant Seonghwa shouldn’t waste his breath on it because he, Kang Yeosang, could never be swayed.

With a hesitant nod, the nurse discarded his gloves but not after giving one final look, and pushed through the curtains separating the room, shoulders deflating with a frustrated sigh. 

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

The streets were quiet, a stark contrast to the previous situation in the ER, when Seonghwa drove home. 

A lingering bitterness had settled on his tongue at the memories he never planned to relive until tonight when the tattoo presented itself like a taunt.

It’s not from the memories of Hongjoong, no. Those memories were good– Hongjoong smiling up at him, tip toeing to kiss Seonghwa goodbye in the morning. Of tipsy nights spent stumbling over their feet as they danced to old songs in the living room and sloppy kisses in the bedroom at ungodly hours courtesy of their demanding jobs. 

No. It was the memories of sitting alone in the living room with only the silence as company; the nights Seonghwa spent locked in their bedroom with all the picture frames flipped around so he could sleep and wake up in a few hours to go back to the work he just got home from. When he spent nights bouncing his leg, seated on the edge of the couch and glaring up at the clock hands that would never go the other way around.

Hongjoong would have hated to see Seonghwa like this, but he wasn’t there to tell the older off now was he?

Adrenaline had left Seonghwa’s veins and left him an exhausted skin of a man, weakly pushing the door open without having to take out his keys. Seonghwa couldn’t walk without wobbling and his eyes were half closed by the time he got in. Not bothering to flip the lights on, the nurse carelessly toed his shoes off at the door until his foot caught on something and sent him tripping forwards.

“Shit!-” In the dark, Seonghwa barely made out the silhouette of a pair of solid black boots thrown haphazardly to the side. The sole was caked with what he guessed was mud, earning a disgusted and confused grimace.

All the alarms in his head went off simultaneously. 

Seonghwa always locked up before leaving for work, yet his keys were still snug in his bag. Neither does he wear boots, always opting for the comfort of sneakers when walking around the hospital for hours on end.

“What the hell.” His heart dropped as a thought flashed into his mind.  _ Did someone break into my house? _

Then did he notice the light coming from the living room and his heart rate spiked. The nurse fumbled for his phone, dialling the police with his thumb hovering over the call button before grabbing an umbrella in the other hand, it being the closest thing to a weapon he had lying around. Was the lack of sleep making him imagine things? It has happened before, it can surely happen now. Taking slow steps Seonghwa approached the living room, careful not to sound any of the creaking floorboards.

Faint shuffling sounds sent Seonghwa’s heart pounding so hard up to the point he could hear it beating in his ears. A few more steps and he finally mustered enough courage to approach the corner of the wall. 

Seonghwa tried to get a good look at the room from where he hid. The light next to the couch was turned on, casting the empty room in a dim yellow glow. The tightness in his chest diffused out with his sigh of relief and for once Seonghwa welcomed the emptiness.

From the other side of the corner, a hand shot out from the shadows, yanking the umbrella and Seonghwa with it. His whole vision tilted dangerously. There was no time to think when the next thing he felt was the floor against his back. Whoever it was kicked Seonghwa’s phone away from where it had fallen out of his hands before pinning the nurse down.

Seonghwa’s chest hurt from the weight and burned with his futile attempt at screaming; Quick thinking had him biting down on the hand covering his mouth. Hard.

“Fuck!”

The blur in Seonghwa’s vision cleared up and before the male could do anything, he was met with the end of a gun barrel pointed right between his eyes.

Everything in him stilled– his hands, his blood, his breath. Not because of the gun right in his face, but because of the person behind it. 

He’d never forget how the voice was so small, barely a whisper exhaled into the air between them.

“ _ Seonghwa _ ?”

Hongjoong got off immediately, trembling pupils still locked on the nurse who could only stare back. To look and take in whatever he can because this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

“No. No no no, you’re not _real_.”

Seonghwa’s jaw clenched harder at the other’s frown. The man before him– the love of his life, the man who had been missing for four years– is very much alive and breathing. Instead of brown, Hongjoong’s hair had lost all its colour just as his face had lost years of its vigour and youth. Eyebags formed under his eyes and cuts left scabs on his lips yet they held the same fiery eyes Seonghwa fell in love with all those years ago.

“Hwa, what? I’m right here. I’m real-Agh!” Hongjoong’s arms flew to his side as he hissed through his teeth. Scanning the man, Seonghwa’s eyes fell to the red stain growing larger and larger over his abdomen and he was forced back into reality.

The nurse could only gape, hands frozen in front of him. He sees blood on a daily basis, but not when it came from someone who had disappeared off the face of the earth four years ago.

“Is that- is that blood?! We need to get you to a hospital. Right now!” Seonghwa felt his head grow lightheaded as he scrambled up to get the keys, only to feel an arm around his wrist pull him back.

“No! No hospitals, it’s not safe yet.” The elder was met with frantic eyes, pleading and desperate, “The rest of them might still be out there. I...I needed a safe place to hide so I-”

Hongjoong was cut off when he felt himself get pulled up and dragged to the couch. The gun was placed on the table in front of him before Seonghwa disappeared to the dark hallway across the room to come back with a first aid kit.

“Hwa,” Hongjoong’s voice came out hoarse. When was the last time he had a proper drink, or a proper meal for that matter? No reply came from the nurse; Seonghwa knelt down next to the couch to unbutton the gross piece of clothing and take a closer look at the wound.

“Don’t move. It’s going to hurt.”

The detective listened obediently. The last time Seonghwa had to patch him up, he made Hongjoong swear to stay out of trouble or the nurse would come kill him himself. 

“I’m sorry.” Hearing Hongjoong’s voice sent a shiver down Seonghwa’s spine.

“Stop talking. You’re bleeding so much.”

“I’m so so sorry.”

The words flowed out with puffs of air, broken chokes from holding back tears that began to prick the sides of Seonghwa’s eyes as well. Whatever Hongjoong was apologizing for, the elder knew he’d forgive him anyway.

Because this isn’t real. 

It must be one of those nights again, when exhaustion clouded his logic and Seonghwa was seeing things. It happened often in the first few months with Seonghwa coming home to find Hongjoong asleep in their bed or cooking in the kitchen. The number of times he broke down in joy, only to be met with still air after the tears dried was too much. Far too much.

No matter how real it felt, how vivid it was in his mind, Seonghwa would inevitably wake up to an empty bed the next morning because nothing could change reality. His parents had said it, his friends said it, everyone said it– nothing could change the reality that Hongjoong wasn’t there in his arms that night and the next night for four years.

So no, the blood staining his hands wasn’t real. Neither was the gunshot wound, barely missing Hongjoong’s organs but scraping his side deep enough that it’ll leave a nasty scar.

“I’m gonna stitch it up.”

The sliver of hope that Hongjoong was alive started to crawl out of the depths of his mind after being repressed for years, and Seonghwa had to do everything in his power to keep the pressure from breaking his walls. No matter how real the flesh was underneath his fingertips, or the racing pulse under Hongjoong’s skin, Seonghwa had to remember that none of this was real because he didn’t know what he'd do if it was.

“I had no choice.” the detective bit down on one of the cushions as Seonghwa started with the first stitch. The nurse didn’t even spare him a look, face ironed flat just as he was trained to do. 

“I finally found an opening to get out of there, but their men caught on to me and started shooting. I...I had to hurt a lot of people, Hwa.” 

An ache surfaced at Hongjoong’s guilt ridden voice. The detective would never draw a weapon unless forced to, always trying to reason with the enemy no matter if he was labelled naive or insane.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

_ “They’re not bad because they want to. It’s because they have to.”  _ He once told Seonghwa. An uncanny conversation to have when they were in the ER, with Hongjoong having been ambushed because he persisted on talking it out. 

Meanwhile, Seonghwa got a taste of the panic and fear of seeing his boyfriend, bloodied and passed out, getting wheeled in from an ambulance only to wake up hours later with that dumb little smile and the audacity to ask why he was crying.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

“Wait, a shootout? That was you?” The words of the patient from earlier came ringing back in the nurse’s ears.  _ Snitch _ , he had spat, and the dots connected themselves.

“You told me it was a stake out mission. That it wasn’t anything too dangerous.”

Realization hit the detective quickly– Hongjoong had lied about the mission, assuring Seonghwa every night that he’d be safe keeping watch in a car and not going out posing as a gang member where he’d eventually be on the run for four fucking years and get shot, now bleeding on their couch. The metallic taste of blood stopped Seonghwa from biting down harder on his inner cheek.

Seonghwa wanted to be angry. He wanted to scream because what else could Hongjoong be hiding? How many nights had he slept peacefully without knowing the detective might never come home from one of them?

A seething heat rose in his chest and died just as quickly. He couldn’t. He had gotten through that dreadful period and couldn’t muster enough energy to do more but sigh– Seonghwa’s small flame was barely flickering at that point.

There was a time when the elder was furious at everything and everyone, including Hongjoong for taking on the most dangerous case offered to him when he could always refuse. It came with a side of shame when his friends' sad looks and frequent texts asking how he was holding up made Seonghwa’s very blood boil. That’s when a pang of regret made Seonghwa flinch as another memory broke free of its chains.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

San, Mingi and Jongho treated Hongjoong like a friend instead of a senior and loved him like a brother. It was a Wednesday and three years after the senior detective had gone missing when the trio knocked on the door to their shared apartment.

Instead of their usual cheery smiles, the boys stood outside with their hands folded behind their backs and a dark shadow casted over their eyes.

_“Seonghwa hyung…We’re so sorry.”_ Jongho stood in the centre, eyes finding the tiles more interesting than the colour draining from Seonghwa’s face. ” _They’ve decided to stop the search.”_

Mingi and San both turned their heads away, unable to meet the elder’s eyes darting back and forth between the three. He begged them to tell him it was all a lie. That they were still working hard on finding their missing leader and not there telling Seonghwa how they’ve given up, how Hongjoong’s name would be carved on the wall of their precinct under “In Memory Of” and that was it.

His mind blurred most of what happened next to save Seonghwa some piece of mind; he remembered bits of him yelling something at the three, watching their faces grow more solemn before slamming the door.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

A tight grip on his arm shook Seonghwa out of his trance. The wound was halfway closed and his eyes trailed to the pale knuckles of Hongjoong’s hand. Sharp tingles made it way to Seonghwa’s abdomen, exactly where Hongjoong’s wound was placed on the other’s body and he could only imagine the pain, “I’m sorry, but I have to continue.”

The detective groaned out an exhale and nodded, watching practiced hands stick the hook into his skin, grunting out a colourful string of curses as his arm flew higher to squeeze Seonghwa’s shoulder as if it were a lifeline.

_ None of this is real. Absolutely none. It can’t be. _

The voice clawed at the back of his mind amongst the jumble of new questions and resurfacing memories. No matter how solid the squeeze bruising his skin was, how Seonghwa could feel warmth radiating off Hongjoong’s palm– He couldn’t let the grief play him again.

Silence wasn’t allowed a place between them as Hongjoong spoke up again, anything to get his mind off the pain. “It was supposed to be a one time thing. Me as a pretend informant but the exchange went bad and I- I couldn’t risk them finding you. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to you.” 

The last sentence came out choked. Hongjoong had a lot of explaining to do yet Seonghwa was terrified of listening. Because it meant that the blood on his hands were real and his boyfriend was alive and yet it didn’t mean they got their happy ending when there was still a hit on Hongjoong’s head.

Were they ever meant to have a happy ending?

Hongjoong and Seonghwa were once adamant of the life they set ahead of them. Three years into their relationship, the two had bought a house and moved in together. Another year passed and Seonghwa decided to buy a ring when Hongjoong was out working late as usual, hiding the small velvet box underneath their shoe rack just waiting for the right time that never came when all their plans burned in front of their eyes.

“It hurts, Hwa.” tears pricked the corners of Hongjoong’s eyes as the last knot was tied. The stabbing pain had nothing on the dull ache of Seonghwa refusing to look him in the eye. 

Seonghwa was the kindest soul Hongjoong had ever gotten to meet. An angel sent down to Earth that had him wonder how he got so lucky. The last time they saw each other, the morning before Hongjoong’s mission went bad, Seonghwa had blonde hair. The sunlight shining down from the window behind them made the strands translucent to form a halo on his boyfriend. 

_ “I’ll be back soon, angel. I love you.” _ Hongjoong bid goodbye as he regretfully closed the door behind him.

The current Seonghwa, wrapping bandages around his wound, looked drained as if half of his lifespan was taken away. The dark circles under his previously gentle eyes looked borderline bruising and hair unkempt from a whole night’s worth of work. The will to go out and save lives that Hongjoong admired so deeply had been replaced with a detached stare he’d only seen in the dead.

Hongjoong’s stare drilled a hole into the elder’s head, prolonging the tying of bandages in fear of what’s to come after. Would it be silence? Would he blink and Hongjoong disappear again, another hallucination that felt way too real?

“Hwa, please,” the words dripped off Hongjoong’s tongue in time with the tears rolling down his cheeks. A hand stopped Seonghwa, squeezing it as if he’d disappear if Hongjoong were to let go instead of vice versa. “ _ Please _ talk to me.”

The small hand trembling on his was so rough. Calluses had formed on the pads of Hongjoong’s fingertips and Seonghwa wondered what he went through to gain them– how long he had to hold on to the gun or how many times he had to pull the trigger. 

Seonghwa didn’t realize how hard his jaw had clenched down until his temples started throbbing. Despite how much he wanted to look up, the nurse’s eyes were firmly set on his own lap. A shuffle could be heard as Hongjoong’s free hand threaded up from where they had settled on the elder’s shoulder, cautious and light, up to Seonghwa’s cheek.

The nurse flinched.

The trembles came slowly then all at once. He couldn’t hold it back anymore, letting out a choked sob. What Seonghwa had believed to be the voice of reason was drowned out when he allowed himself to nuzzle against Hongjoong’s hand. It was unmistakable. The rough fingers scratching at his skin, radiating warmth onto his cheek was real. It was so, so real.

“ _ Joong _ ,” his body shook with every inhale. Hongjoong cupped the elder’s face to lean their foreheads together just to make sure once more that yes, it wasn’t a dream.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry you had to wait so long. My angel, I’m so sorry.”

Under the dim light, their tears were molten gold.

“I’m not going anywhere, Hwa. I promise-”

“Don’t!” 

The silence was deafening as Hongjoong’s eyes flew wide open. Seonghwa too, stilled from the volume of his voice, taking a few breaths before adding quietly, more whimper than a whisper.

“Please don’t lie to me. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Seonghwa…”

Through glassy eyes, Seonghwa finally allowed himself to lock eyes on the ghost, the _man_ , before him. “I thought you were  _ dead- _ ” 

“-But then you show up out of nowhere, bleeding and pointing a gun and I realized that those four years were nothing compared to seeing you die right in front of me.” the elder’s throat was raw and chest so tight that each inhale had him shuddering.

The newly stitched wound stung unbearably but it didn’t stop Hongjoong from wrapping his arms around the glass of a man, so tight it simultaneously cracked and held together all of Seonghwa’s pieces.

“But you fixed me up like you always do.” For the first time that night, a smile crept onto Hongjoong’s tear stained cheeks. The corners of his mouth quivered as he tried to keep the tears back; The detective had to be strong enough so Seonghwa could lean on him once more, so he could trust once more.

There was no hiding the flash of apprehension on the elder’s face. Frantic pupils searched Hongjoong’s expression and found that deep within those red, glassy eyes sat the embers of a flame that once signaled the safety of home, 

“This time I swear. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here with you when you wake up. When you go to bed. When you need me, I’ll be right here.”

And from them, a spark reformed.

✥﹤┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈﹥✥

The couch was cold when Seonghwa, half-asleep, groped around to find the source of that loud buzzing that was so bloody annoying. His phone continued to vibrate violently until he spotted it on the coffee table. Just before he reached for it, his brain started sounding all the alarms as the nurse sprung up with his heart hammering in his throat.

“Joong?” his voice shook as it echoed through the living room.

Three seconds past. Nothing.

Nothing but the sun shining through the open curtains and the birds chirping outside as company as Seonghwa tumbled out of the couch, begging whatever was listening that the detective hadn’t disappeared. Again.

“Hongjoong!” Seonghwa yelled before something tangled up between his feet and sent him flying forwards. Luckily, his hand caught on the edge of the coffee table, pushing it with a screech, and saved him from a broken nose. 

It was Hongjoong’s bloodied shirt that had tripped him.

The relief that washed over him was no longer a wave, leaning towards a tsunami, as the elder collapsed onto his jelly-like knees. The muffled sound of rapid footsteps approached almost immediately; Hongjoong’s white hair first rounded the corner from the hallway leading to their bedroom with a toothbrush between his teeth and a gun in his hand.

“Hwa! What happened?!” Hongjoong’s body automatically postured into attack mode, pointing the gun towards an unknown enemy until his eyes found Seonghwa lying on the ground. Three steps became one as strong hands helped pull the nurse up.

“I thought- I thought you were gone.” a shudder of a breath left the elder. Seonghwa took a few slow breaths to calm the racing pulse in him as Hongjoong looked up at him sadly.

“No no no, baby I was in the bathroom. God, I’m sorry, I couldn’t wake you when you looked so peaceful.”

It was true. The eldest had slept through the night like a baby without jolting awake every few hours. But all the energy in his body had drained after such a scare so early in the morning; Seonghwa dragged himself forward to pull Hongjoong into an embrace, carefully wrapping his hands around his boyfriend’s smaller frame and breathing in the shampoo from his wet hair.

Small hands made its way to his dark tangled mess of a bed head as Hongjoong’s soft chuckle invited peace to permeate through him. Seonghwa’s hand landed gently onto Hongjoong’s side where the bandages were still wrapped, noticing a faded red slowly emerging from the depths of the layers. “I’m sorry for scaring you but you shouldn’t be moving around so much. That’s it. We need to get you to a hospital.”

When Seonghwa’s firm tone came into play, they both knew the decision was rock solid.

Hongjoong’s sigh was muffled against the fabric of Seonghwa’s shirt, “I know, I know. That’s why I used your phone to call Yeosang earlier.”

Still unwilling to let go, the nurse kept his arms wrapped around the detective’s waist. Four years and Seonghwa would never let anything pry this moment away from him.

“Oh? How did he...take the news?”

“I couldn’t really tell. All he said was “on our way” and then he hung up. But it couldn’t be any worse than last night, right?”

His words reminded Seonghwa about his phone. As truth be told, a flood of notifications continued to stream in at break neck speed. A brief scan showed messages from Yeosang, Yunho, Jongho, San, Mingi, Wooyoung, the whole lot with varying degrees of confusion and panic and keyboard smashes.

“Seems like the whole gang will be here.” The two were still stuck together, Seonghwa with his head on Hongjoong’s shoulder, typing away as many messages as he can and Hongjoong relishing in the comfort of being in an embrace he missed so much.

“Let them come.” The detective was first to lean back, forcing Seonghwa to peel away with a small whine. “But for now, let’s have this for ourselves.”

Soft lips sealed together in a tender kiss that moved with longing, every small shift with the purpose to re-etch the memory in their minds. Even after breaking apart, they continued to gravitate to each other in the form of smaller pecks– To the forehead, the swollen eyelids, warm cheeks and slowly back to where they started.

Four years lost and the two could never forget how each other tasted.

Four years lost but they had the rest of their lives to make up for it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I wanted to use the 5 stages of grief as kinda the main idea? I'm not sure how to explain it but yeah! They get a happy end don't worry.
> 
> I do appreciate feedback so feel free to come holler at me on [twt](https://twitter.com/_Vxier_?s=09) <3or drop a comment ^^
> 
> Have a great day!


End file.
